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A Bit of a Laugh to start the Day

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Post by Mariclare Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:48 am

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
10. Flashlight: A metal tube that used to store dead batteries.
11. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
12. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
13. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Post by Faye Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:31 am

drinking beer in a boat oh so true[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Post by Mariclare Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:39 pm

I got another good one sent to me today - by my mother [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!"

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And finally:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:53 am

A husband said to his wife-"A man is like fine wine-he gets better with age!"...So she locked him in the cellar ... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Some men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are her eyes...Some women say--men are liars!

I love cooking with wine--sometimes I even put it in the food!

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Post by jeano Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:47 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Thanks MC!!!!!
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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:47 pm

To make you smile:

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again!

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf...

He filnally met the woman that said the words he wanted to hear--"My dad owns a liquor store!"...

A man wonders if he will get lucky--the woman already knows...

Not interested in making love-- her interest turned to food--so she put a mirror over the kitchen table!
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Post by Staci Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:40 am

DeeDee6 wrote:To make you smile:

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again!

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf...

He finally met the woman that said the words he wanted to hear--"My dad owns a liquor store!"...

A man wonders if he will get lucky--the woman already knows...

Not interested in making love-- her interest turned to food--so she put a mirror over the kitchen table!

LOL
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Post by KinNC Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:30 pm

"A gentleman is simply a patient wolf..."

That's my favorite. LOL

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Post by Lanti SF Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:24 pm

THIS is actually almost more SCARY than funny!!


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.


I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii o, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''He retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

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Post by Lanti SF Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:28 pm

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Post by jeano Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:09 pm

OMG, those were so funny and so scary. They live amongst us and also govern us?????

No wonder our coutry is in such a mess!.

Great funnies though, Lanti. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Post by Lanti SF Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:52 pm

Government reform=ABSOLUTELY

(Unless we want to keep making fun of them)

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Post by KinNC Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:10 pm

Oh My Stars!!! Lanti, can I re-post those on another message board? They would *love* this. I'll take out those names, if you want.

And you're right... some of that was just plain scarey.

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Post by Lanti SF Fri Aug 13, 2010 8:01 pm

Why not?

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Post by Lanti SF Sun Aug 22, 2010 1:04 am

The following is an answering machine message for the Pacific Palisades High School in California. The school and teachers were being sued by parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

VERSION FROM Maroochydore High School Queensland:

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

*This answering machine message was never implanted !!*

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Post by DeeDee6 Sun Aug 22, 2010 3:48 am

My son is a teacher--and he's sending this to his co-workers!....He had a good laugh over it & said "It's so true!" Swoon
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Post by jeano Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:19 pm

Thanks Lanti

Just saw the one about the school message. Again, omg, they live among us.

That is so funny but also so true. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:10 am

"There's nothing wrong with making love with the lights on--just make sure the car door is closed!" lol!
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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:56 am

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Post by Staci Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:48 pm

DeeDee6 wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So where did you find this banana?
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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Oct 27, 2010 5:03 pm

Staci wrote:

So where did you find this banana?

I forget-lol...I go on many different sites so I don't know where this particular one is from!...I've had it for a while...
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Post by Staci Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:26 pm

DeeDee6 wrote:
Staci wrote:

So where did you find this banana?

I forget-lol...I go on many different sites so I don't know where this particular one is from!...I've had it for a while...

I love it, it is cute.
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Post by DeeDee6 Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:40 pm

Staci wrote:

I love it, it is cute.

Oh-I forgot to add--I sent it to Paul in a PM and he opened it!...I hope he grinned when he saw it!
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Post by Mariclare Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:48 am

LOl - I LOVE that dancing banana Very Happy Thank you!

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Post by orinocoflow Sun Mar 13, 2011 4:00 am

DeeDee6 wrote:

Oh-I forgot to add--I sent it to Paul in a PM and he opened it!...I hope he grinned when he saw it!

how do you know he opened it? New here

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